Backhanded compliments that are really insults -

A backhanded compliment is a comment that sounds somewhat positive, but really it's just a poorly disguised insult. We've probably all been on the receiving end of one of these double-edged swords, perhaps from a judgmental aunt or a thoughtless co-worker. However, we're all perfectly capable of dishing them out too, often by accident. A lack of awareness of other people's experiences can lead us to say things that we think are complimentary, but are actually just insensitive to the point of insult, or even discrimination. 

Click on to get familiar with some of the most common backhanded compliments, and make sure you're not guilty of delivering any of these Trojan horses!

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"You look like you’ve lost weight" - Why is commenting on a reduction in weight always considered to be complimentary? Not only do we put far too much value on size when it comes to aesthetics, but there are also plenty of unhealthy reasons someone might lose weight.

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"You look great for your age!" -

Any compliment that has a qualifier like "for your age" or "for someone who didn't go to college" is the ultimate backhander. This particular one is also highly problematic for the ageist sentiment.

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"You don’t even look pregnant" -

Pregnancy doesn't suddenly make it okay to comment on someone else's appearance, particularly as this kind of comment essentially means that they don't think you look 'big.'

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"You’re so pretty, how are you still single?" -

This "compliment" suggests that we are all ultimately looking for a partner to complete ourselves, and if we're pretty enough to have attracted a potential partner, it's hard to understand why we're not locked down already. Maybe there's another reason we haven't been whisked away into the sunset by Prince Charming?

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"I can’t believe you got the job, well done!" -

Congrats on surpassing my low expectations of you!

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"Your new haircut looks so much better than your old one!" - Your new haircut looks good, but they didn't like your old one...

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"You’re so beautiful, what are you?" -

This is where we get to the racially insensitive "compliments." Someone BIPOC is likely pretty sick of hearing that they look exotic. And of course, complimenting someone's appearance and jumping straight to trying to figure out what their ethnic background is, particularly with this tactless phrasing, is a no-no.

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"You look so professional with your hair like that" -

In the professional world, there's a chronic issue of systemic racism that labels natural Black hair as unruly and unprofessional looking. Only complimenting a Black colleague or employee when their hair is straightened reinforces this toxic idea.

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"You’re so articulate!" -

This kind of compliment usually comes from a white person to a non-white person. They might both be native speakers, but some insensitive people assume that anyone BIPOC doesn't speak English as their first language.

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"You’re so brave and inspiring!" -

When a differently abled person is overly applauded and admired simply for doing something average like going to work or achieving a minor success, it suggests that they are less capable than others.

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"You’re a great driver!" -

Often said to a female driver with a tone of surprise...

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"That haircut really slims your face" -

Translation: your face could do with looking slimmer.

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"I wish I had more free time like you" -

This is the kind of "compliment" a working mom might give to a stay-at-home mom, or a parent says to someone who doesn't have kids. It suggests that the other person has fewer responsibilities and an easier life.

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"You’re amazing for going back to work!" -

The subtext is that they would never let a stranger watch their children for them, which is total mom-shaming disguised as a compliment.

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"I could never pull off that outfit!" -

This could be a genuine compliment for someone whose bold style you admire, or a backhanded way of saying they've gone totally over the top.

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"You clean up so well!" -

You look like a hot mess most of the time.

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"What a cute car, I used to have the same one" -

The word cute can be so complimentary or so condescending... What's more, pointing out that you've upgraded to a newer car is an unnecessary flex.

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"Woah your partner is so hot!" -

The unspoken question: "What are they doing with you?"

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"Wow, loving the retro look!" -

If the tone is snide, this could be a dig at your style and a suggestion that it's outdated.

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"Your Instagram makes you look so fun!" -

For those who pride themselves on a well-curated Instagram page, this is a compliment, but the phrasing also suggests that they look more fun on social media than they are in reality...

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"You look so good, I almost didn’t recognize you!" -

This is another way of complimenting someone's appearance while simultaneously insulting the way they looked in the past.

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"I love that shirt, my mom has the same one!" -

This backhander could have come straight from the mouth of Regina George in 'Mean Girls.'

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"I love how you don’t care what other people think" -

Real compliment, or criticism? It could be either, but it might be a veiled way of saying that you don't seem to be trying very hard.  

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"You look so comfortable" -

Depending on the context, this could be a criticism of what you're wearing and a suggestion that it's not appropriate for the setting.

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"Awe your place is so cozy!" - Every real estate agent knows that cozy is another word for small. That being said, cozy also means cozy, so this could be genuine depending on who it's coming from!

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"You’re so chill in your relationship" -

This can mean many things. They might simply be admiring your relaxed approach to your relationship with your partner, or suggesting you're a doormat. It could also be a criticism of a perceived lack of passion.

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How to respond -

When someone compliments you in this barbed manner, the first step is to check in with yourself and see what emotions are coming up. If you feel comfortable, you can use a non-accusatory "I" statement to share your feelings. For example: "I'm sure you didn't intend to hurt me, but your comment made me feel self-conscious."

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Take the high road -

If you don't think it's worth getting into, you can simply acknowledge and validate the positive part of their complement. For example, if they say your pants make you look much slimmer, you can thank them for noticing your outfit and move away from discussion of your weight or body shape.

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An opportunity to educate -

If you're feeling up to it, you can use the moment as an opportunity to educate the person. Whether their compliment was insensitive about weight, age, race, or ability, a non-confrontational dialogue can ensure they do better in the future.

Sources: (Bustle) (Insider) (Psych Central) 

See more: Small things you do that reveal a lot about your personality

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